Tears

There are a few very good reasons I broke up with my ex. He always made me cry. He always made me feel bad. I always did something wrong. I always didn't see his point. I was always the bad guy. And he always put words in my mouth. And you know what? He's still doing it. I can't stand it. Yesterday when I asked him to go with me to Arlington, it was fine, but we didn't get to go because I didn't get the car until too late. But he managed to get work done at home in the meantime. Today, I go somewhere with my bestie instead and it's the end of the world because I didn't tell him I wasn't going with him. And of course I don't care that my actions affected his life and of course I just don't ever care that I messed up his day or that he didn't know what was going on. Of course. Gah! He shouldn't be able to make me cry anymore. I fucking hate this! He doesn't have a right to give me guilt trips or make me feel like shit or make me cry. It's not his place anymore. And how many times do I have to say sorry for it get through? It's not like I can turn back time and change my day. And I wouldn't anyway. I had a good day. I actually had fun for the first time this summer. And now he's making me feel bad about it. Fucking bull shit.
I'm so pissed off right now that I don't know if the tears are from that or from him now. I just want to punch something, but it's four in the morning and there's nothing to punch that won't make too much noise.
I'm so tired. Tired and upset don't mix well.
I guess my rant is done.
*

No
No
and No

My Bestie is So cool...she lets me eat her food

So....I'm getting super bored of my house. And there isn't anything to do, so there isn't anything to talk about.

However, I have been hanging out with my bestie a lot, which makes me happy. We went out one night with our other partner in crime, Crazy Lady. Got my nose pierced, both sides. Fun stuff. Now I want a new tattoo. Pronto.

I'm sitting at my Bestie and Crazy Lady's house right now. I want to steal her cereal. Hmph.

She just looks at me, and keeps eating. Bah.

She keeps farting on me. Nasty bad egg farts. *pinches nose*

She's also reading over my shoulder, haha.

So, my sister is still being super teenage angsty. She's gotten back in the habit of stomping off and slamming doors. It's getting ridiculous

I've been trying to keep busy so I'm illustrating my princess story. I'm thinking about posting it on my other blog. The one I made for creative writing. Maybe.

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:Poetic Moment:
Keep your promises
Keep your sweet nothings
I don't accept bullshit

:Quote:
In case you were wondering
You're like a sunset to me
You're all kinds of beautiful
As you end my day

:Picture:

Fear

So, laying awake at night when I can't get to sleep (which is every night, in case you were wondering) my mind wanders and I begin to think about really random things. Last night, I was thinking about what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of a lot, when I start to think about it.

• The dark
• Shadows 
• Cars
• Small spaces
• Being underground/underwater 
• Tornadoes 
• Semis

Besides those, I seem to be suffering from What If Syndrome (as I'm going to call it, anyway). Anything that could go wrong, I think about. 

• What if I crash into...
• What if the roller coaster....
• What if I fall...
• What if this breaks...
• What if there is someone hiding under my porch.

And much much more, depending on what situation I'm in. 

Once, when I still lived in Utah, my cousin and I were on this sky bench thing that took us across the water park we were at and I asked her "what if the cord snaps?" and she just told me to shut up. And I do stuff like that all the time. However, now I keep most of those thoughts in my head. 

Bleh. I'm just weird I guess.

*

No Poetic Moment

:Quote:

Take all the snapshots

So we can go back

And say "that was fun"

:Picture:

Another Rant and Then Some

My sister is driving me crazy. She needs to hurry up and get out of her teenage angst. Whenever I complain to my mom she tells me that I was never as bad as my sister. She is so whiny. She thinks everyone is criticizing her all the time even when they're joking. She was telling us about how some boy had called her beautiful and I jokingly said, "maybe he's gay." She got all pissed off and said, "thanks for saying I look like a guy." What? I meant because only gay guys use "beautiful" as a compliment when they're teenagers. Teenage boys' vocabulary include hot and sexy. Very rarely will you hear beautiful. Besides that, I was joking. Gah. And she's a horrible driver. She thinks she's amazing, but she insisted on driving us to pick up dinner tonight and I wanted to cover my eyes the whole time. She doesn't look when she turns across traffic!! 

My uncle is also driving me crazy. It seems to be a very easy thing to do right now. He gave me the phone number for some lady to get a job through her, but the job is forty five minutes away. No big deal, if I already have money to get out there, but guess what. I don't. So, I said maybe I'd call her later in the summer when I've had another job and can pay for the gas. But he wants me to call her right now. And every time he sees me "you call her yet?" and I've already told him that I'm not going to. All he has to say is that he's my uncle and I should listen to him and that this could be good for me. How is being a leasing agent at an apartment complex going to be good for me? How does that help me at all besides just being a summer job? It doesn't help me any more than working at the family dollar does. A job is a job at this point. 

I need to get a job because I need to get out of this house. I'm tired of hiding in my room so I don't go crazy. Gah.

And I want some more tattoos. I've drawn up my next one, a plumeria flower on my left foot. And then my next one after that will be a tree of life on my right wrist. And I will get one more this summer (to keep at the same pace I had last year, haha) and I'm thinking I want a leg piece. Like an arm covered is a sleeve, but on my leg...or maybe I will get a sleeve...but I think they look funny on thin arms. But anyway, I think I want the seven deadly sins. But I doubt I would start that this summer. Maybe I'll get my dragon around a rose on my upper thigh. Or my phoenix on my calf. Or put the next piece onto my side. Yea...so I counted last night how many tattoos I'll have if I get all the ones I want right now...27. That's not counting the seven deadly sins because I just started thinking about that today. So that would make it 34. Wow. I guess my band director was right when he made the prediction that I would one day write my autobiography titled "Confessions of a Tattooed Lady." Haha. 

*

No Poetic Moment

:Quote:

The question isn't

Who is going to let me

It's

Who is going to stop me

:Picture:

There's No Place Like Home

So, I'm out of school for the summer, and back home. Because of this, there will probably a slight drop of blog entries. There's not really that much to talk about at home unless I rant all the time. I get annoyed when I'm at home.
At home there is:
Mom
StepDad
Sister (age 16)
Brother (age 22)
Nephew (age 2)
Uncle

Most of them annoy me.
So far:
StepDad has pretty much said that he is going to make me work for him (for no pay) because I type faster than him. And he doesn't care that I eventually will be back at school and have better things to do. This is irritating because he was the first one to tell me that I need to get a job this summer.

Sister is just annoying on a daily basis, whether I'm home or not. She thinks we're rich. It doesn't matter how much my mom talks about not being able to pay the bills in front of her. She still thinks my parents have some hidden money source that will pay for every last thing she dreams of. She thinks she has to have a new dress for band banquet. She thinks she needs to have a new car. Now. Not only a new car, but a sports car. She also thinks she is so misunderstood (but that's just the general teenage angst that she's going through right now, I hope) and should be able to drive wherever she wants because she is under the impression my brother and I were able to when we first started driving. I had a job, that's where I drove to all the time. Brother went nowhere. I don't know where she thinks we went all the time. And now today, she thinks I am obligated to give her my clothes that are name brand. She doesn't want the off brand, of course, but the second I don't want a pair of Hollister pants or Abercrombie shorts, I have to give them to her. No matter how short the shorts would be on her, she thinks she should have them and be able to wear them out of the house. She's sixteen, and she thinks she needs to dress like a hooker to get some attention. Gah.

And Uncle thinks he knows everything. Every time I get a new tattoo, he flips out because he thinks I'll never get a job. And he lectures to no end about the fact I have one on my wrist. He complains about how I dye my hair. He's awkward about me being a lesbian. He thinks my mom gives me too much freedom. And he said he would have someone call me about a job today, and they didn't call and he just avoided talking to me about it. Gah.

And that is my rant for the day. Most of my entries this summer will be like this. Ranting.

On a different note, I went to Scarborough Fair with Miss Giggles yesterday and we came across Twig the Fairy quite a few times. I'm in love with Twig the Fairy and she knows it. The last time we saw her, she stepped directly into my path to play her double flute to me. I smiled the rest of the day. It also helped that Miss Giggles and I were overly flirted with many times and it was super funny. Especially the German Brothers. Oh dear. They're so silly.
*

No Poetic Moment

:Quote:
We come into this world
And we're all the same
In that moment, there's no one to blame

:Picture:

And Yes, I Know, That Was the Equivalent of Two Steps Backwards

So I was lonely. And sad. Not a good enough excuse, I know, but still.
Miss ROTC and I have a very odd friendship. We always have. Mostly it consists of each of us complaining about our lives, her mocking me, we cuddle, and then we make out. And stuff.
So that's where I went today.

*five minutes pass where I run down to the snack machine to get chocolate and a soda*

So, there's this girl that lives down the hall from me. I have no idea what her name is, we have always just called her Creepygirl. The first time I saw her, she was in the study room just asleep across two of the chairs. Awkward. And then at one of the Breakfast for Dinner events in my hall, she was there when everyone was giving me relationship advice and she started trying to put her two cents in. But she didn't know anything of the situation so again, it was awkward. Then she started having random conversations with me in the hall and the elevator. So, yea, this could be taken as she just wants to make friends with us, but she's so...awkward. So, I'm talking about this because she showed up at the snack machine while I was getting my candy and she started talking to me as though we'd already been in the middle of a conversation. And at the first chance, I literally ran up the stairs away from her. I'm pathetic, but she's awkward and I don't want to be rude just because she's awkward.

GayLover#2 is here and has asked to be mentioned in my blog. She waved at me with her toe.

In a relationship, I want someone to make me smile all stupid. Someone that is on my mind all the time. Someone that makes me want to be a better person. I don't want to smother or be smothered. I like my space and time to do my own thing, but I also like to hang out when there's a chance. I'm not a jealous person, but I can get angry is someone oversteps themselves. I like to receive random gifts. I don't care so much about getting gifts on designated holidays. I'd rather have flowers on Wednesday than flowers on Valentines Day. I generally show my affection with random sappy texts and spontaneous kidnapping.

I would like to thank my new close friend SecretKeeper, for making me think about what I wanted in a relationship and put it into words. It has made me a little more aware of, well, everything. And she is the queen of pep talks and has made me feel better about a lot of stuff in the past few days. Especially about  myself. Now, I hope she is feeling emotions right about now, since she will read this. Haha.
*

Habits List Cont.

• I suddenly think of five million stories to tell when I sit down to a meal with friends

No poetic moment today

:Quote:

And it's amazing 

The look in your eyes

That you could save me

But you won't even try

:Picture:

Round and Round and Round We Go

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel stuck and surrounded by people who are moving quickly past me.

Roomie and Roomie's GF are never around anymore. They made friends with random people and are always with them. Makes me feel stupid for deciding to stay at school until Friday to spend time with them. I could go home tomorrow instead. *sigh*

I saw Miss Charming today. And I'm sad to say I know I'm being stupid. She doesn't make me smile like an idiot...so, I'm trying to force something that isn't there. It makes me consider changing her name, but she is still charming, so it will stay for now.
And this is not giving up. This is just coming to the conclusion I would have made eventually when I discovered it wasn't really what I wanted. I have been asked random questions by my lovely new friend that have made me realize this. I don't smile all stupid when her name pops up on my phone. I don't think about her all the time. I'm not nervous around her. She's my friend. That's all it will be.

I want to be trusted with secrets too. I want to be trusted by the people that I trust. But I can't force that. And it just kind of hurts I guess.

Today I'm feelin kinda low.
Hopefully Pirate dinner will cheer me up.

Miss Too-Afraid-to-Jump texted me. We talked for a minute. But I'm not letting this mean anything. Because it probably doesn't.
*

Habits list Cont.

• I eat when I'm bored

:Poetic Moment:
I look in your eyes
And hope to see something.
That something, though, is the
One thing I know
Isn't there.

:Quote:
I think I'll go anti-love
Really, who needs it?
Butterflies in your tummy
And heart skippin beats.
That can't be safe.

:Picture:

Confessions, Trust, and New Friends

Short entry, since I posted a few hours ago.
I am very happy that I have made a new friend. And she has requested a super awesome nickname, so....hmmm....my new friend is...SecretKeeper.
I think that fits perfectly.
I trust her to keep my secrets, and so I have told them to her. And it feels good to have someone to confide in that isn't going to treat me differently.
I think that's all I really want to say right now. I have a final tomorrow that I have yet to study for.
*

No Poetic Moment, Quote, or Picture.
I'll probably update later today.

I Judge Myself Enough, I Don't Need Your Help

As much as I'd like to pretend otherwise, the past few days have been pretty crappy.

Bestie doesn't want to talk to me as much anymore...she said I was making excuses to not hang out with her when I had previous engagements and no gas to drive to her house anyway. It's not like I won't be home in a week anyway. This weekend was just busy. That's all there is to it. And it's not my fault. But she made me feel like it was.

Rainbow Lounge with everyone was fun. Roomie's GF got second place in the drag show. A lot of dancing, but it was weird being there for the first time without Miss Too-Afraid-to-Jump. Almost felt like I had no one to dance with, when I did. But whatever. I just need to stop thinking about it (no matter how hard that actually is)

Band formal with Miss Charming was fun. Got a kiss *smile blush girly feelings* And there was a party afterwards that was pretty fun. Not to mention the extra hour chillin in my truck with GayLover#1 and Creeper. So, Friday was pretty good.

Saturday during the day wasn't bad either. TBS stuff all day. Some good times and funny things happened. Like falling down during tether ball or chasing the sheep. But we didn't get back til like three in the morning. And then...
And then people came by my room and kinda forced me into hanging out with them until seven in the morning. *Sigh* Miss ROTC and Miss Too-Afraid-to-Jump...and then some guy too, but no one cares about him. It wouldn't have been too bad, but they were talking shit about some girl that is obsessed with Miss ROTC, and it made me wonder what they have said about me behind my back. And then they were rude to me, while trying to get me to not go to bed. I don't know...it just doesn't make it any easier to ignore her when we're forced into each others company. Gah. I don't want to think about her anymore. Because she's not thinking about me. I don't want to think about anything that has to do with her, but it's like I can't help it when I see her standing outside my door.

I can't wait til I get to go home and I won't have a chance of running into her for awhile.
*

No Poetic Moment Today
:Quote:
And all the drugs in the world
Can't save us from ourselves

:Picture: