Oh, For Real?

So....bestie wanted it to be serious. So we had a serious talk. She's in love with baby daddy. We're not doing any of that triangle nonsense we tried before. We tried and failed. I don't want to step back into that deathtrap. So...now she's sad. And I'm sad because I made her sad. Gah. I don't want to fall into something that will only hurt me in the end...because I know it would. She loves him too much.

Miss Charming makes me smile. The end. *insert girly blush nonsense here*

Is it effective to kill our enemies with kindness? Hmm...it seems that my enemy and I are trying to do it, to each other. At the same time. I don't know how well it will work out in the end besides both of us being tired of being polite to each other.

And....despite Miss Charming coming into the picture, I don't know if Miss Too-scared-to-jump will get off my mind until she's really in the picture. I'm over it. I am. But I randomly catch myself thinking about her...and yea. Stupid me. I know.
*

No poetic moment today.
:Quote:
I smile when I want to cry
I laugh when I want to scream
I jump up and down when I want to give up
I act confident when I hate myself
And I tell myself that I'm okay
When I want to fall apart.

:Picture:

Jealousy is a Disease, and I Hope you Get Well Soon

I'm jealous. And I hate it.
I wish I had what the people around me have. [Money]
I realize that I blend into the background of all the rich sorority bitches that populate this campus, but I am so far from being similar to them in any way. I may be in a sorority, but not one like theirs. I may be a bitch, but not a catty one. And I am definitely not rich.
I wish I could win the lottery. Or have some rich, old relative die and leave all their money to me (or at least my parents)
I wish I didn't have to worry about making it by. I wish I didn't have to think about how much money I don't have every time I wake up.
This is just ridiculous.
*
New topic. Sorta.
It was their idea, to invite her along to see what I'm doing. I'll go along with it, but it won't be my fault if something goes wrong. I'm in too good of a mood with Miss Charming to care what Miss Too-Scared-to-Jump thinks.
But what if she gets jealous?
I can't help but think about what's going through her head. Because she got so defensive. She put words in my mouth and said things to deliberately hurt me to push me away. She put up her walls. But, like she told me, I don't want to have to fight to get to know someone. She doesn't want to fight for me, then I won't fight for her.
Case closed.
*

:Poetic Moment:
And I don't know why,
Or maybe I do,
But every time your name
Flashes on my phone
I smile

:Quote:
I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you're going to get hungry
And eat most the words you just said.

:Picture:

Torn Between What's Right and What I Want

As obvious as it may be, the lesbian population of TCU is pretty small. Despite this fact, I have found a girl who is quite charming. I do believe if she wanted to, she could charm the pants right off of me.
I also think if my bestie hadn't been walking with us last night, there would have been a kiss. Darn.
But there's always Thursday and Friday...our next two dates.
However...here comes the problem. My lovely best friend is in love with this guy who wants to marry his baby mama (which isn't my best friend). But he told me yesterday that if I tried to be with bestie again, he wouldn't marry baby mama. At first bestie and I joked about it, but somehow I think she seriously wants to date me again. I'm not quite sure what to do. She's sleeping or I would talk to her about it right now.
I loved her two years ago when we were together. When we broke up, I thought I couldn't live without her. But now she's my bestie, and I don't think those romantic feelings are still there. And I know she's in love with baby daddy and if he doesn't marry baby mama, she will do whatever she can to get him to see that she's there for him always. Because of this, I don't want to try and bring those romantic feelings back and set myself up to get hurt when I know she will jump at the opportunity to be with him.
Gah.
Back to Miss Charming. Our first sorta date was last night, but it was GSA formal, so we didn't really get to talk much. But I walked her back to her house. Can't wait til we go dancing on Thursday. I do believe this could make me happy.
*

:Poetic Moment:
And oh how your smile makes
Me blush
My heart race
Me smile

:Quote:
[slightly depressing compared to the post, but w/e]
It doesn't matter if you have all the people in the world to talk to
You still have to find the strength to say in words
What you would normally say on your skin

:Picture:

The Lies We Love to Tell

What's worse than being used and lied to? Right now, I'm thinking nothing.
I did not give an ultimatum. I just wanted to know where things stood.
But she took it that way.
And then had to hurt me to get the point across.
If you like someone and want to kiss them etc. when you're drinking, then you like them and want to kiss them etc. when you're sober except you're too scared to do it.
What is it about alcohol that gives people courage?
And someone who can't admit they like someone and want to kiss them etc. unless they're drunk are in no place to criticize people who have walls and are afraid of sharing too much.
Because I tried. And I didn't have to be drunk to try.
But now it just doesn't matter.
I'm not going to wait around for anyone to realize they want me and have enough balls to admit it. If they can't admit it, they don't deserve my time.
I'm done trying.
*


:Quote:
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
I close my eyes and I count to ten
I hope it's over when I open them

:Picture:

No Flaws When You're Pretending

I pretend a lot.
I guess I always have. That's why I got into theatre eventually. I knew how to turn off my thoughts and emotions and take the form of someone else. It was easy.
It's still easy, but I'm not on the stage anymore. I just turn off my emotions in front of everyone else to make things....easier? Smoother? I don't like to talk about my issues because I don't feel like they are worth much when someone else has a problem. I like to rant, sure, but I don't show it all over my face. I don't want people to ask me "how are you?" and know that I'm lying when I say "I'm fine." I'd rather them just take it and go on, since they don't really care if I'm okay or not but if I say I'm not they might feel obligated to stop and listen to me.
Not everyone needs to stop and listen to me.
Deep down, I know there's a lot about me and my life that is not "fine" and should probably be talked about, but I don't necessarily think I want to talk about it all yet. Sometimes I talk, but not everything comes out. I don't know how to tell if it is safe to bring up all my dark and scary secrets.
I wish I knew.
*

Habits list Cont.

• I fold my French fries in half when dipping them in something

:Poetic Moment:
Just let everything go and
Push away your stress.
Absorb the peace and quiet
Of the garden - distant from the
Reality of the harsh world.
Breath in.
Breath out.

:Quote:
Scared to get attached again
Like you have this fear that
Every person you start to
Like will
Break
Your
Heart


:Picture:

Habits

HABIT: An established custom; an automatic pattern of behavior in reaction to a specific situation; may be inherited or acquired through repetition.

I am realizing that I have a lot of habits. Some good and some bad. Some just annoying.

• I bite my fingernails
• I don't step on cracks (not kidding)
• I drink coffee all the time
• I eat my meals one thing at a time, and in a circle around my plate
• I cry when other people cry (and I hate it)
• I miss opportunities to put my two cents in a conversation because I don't want to cut people off (I want them to be able to make their point)
• I procrastinate (even when I have hours open to get things done early)
• I don't start my homework until midnight
• When I decide I want to do something, I have to do it as soon as possible (ex: tattoos, piercings, haircuts, etc.)
• I imagine ways I could wreck my car when I'm driving (or when other people are driving) 
• I think about hurting myself when I'm upset (and I used to just do it [and it takes a lot for me to admit that on here because I don't know who will read this] )
• I "what if" everything (and I mean EVERYTHING)
• I make lists

And I'm sure there's a whole lot more that I can't think of because I'm putting myself on the spot here.
Are habits good or bad? Does it depend on what they are?
I feel like I have a bunch of bad habits that I just can't seem to break. Especially biting my nails. Seriously, I don't even know why I do it. It's called a 'nervous habit' but when I'm nervous, I tap my foot, not bite my nails. I bite my nails when I'm...bored...and when I get a hangnail...and just because? I have no idea.
Well...I'm tired and have been staring at the screen for way too long now.
*


:Poetic Moment:
Should I give up on us? That small possibility
That glimmer of hope...the quick breaths
In those late nights - Do I just forget it?
If that's what you want...
I'll do it.
If you want me, let me know
Don't block me out - Don't cut me off
Let me in
Or I'll walk away.


:Quote:
If I'm going to be just another line in your book
Then cross me out.


:Picture:

Trapped in My Own Head

I talk to myself. A lot. Like full on conversations with the invisible "me" in the room. Sometimes just in my head, but sometimes the conversation is out loud. Yes, I respond to myself. Sometimes it is like I'm arguing with myself and at other times it's almost as though I'm my own therapist. I don't think this is healthy, but I can't remember a time when I didn't do this.
Also, there are times when I pretend I'm talking to a different person. Not me, but not a real person either. Like I'm trying on a conversation to see how it would play out with a specific kind of person. Usually the train of thought strays and I just go back to talking to myself, but still. I make up people to talk to.
I don't think this is normal.
Should I talk to a professional, or just continue talking to myself?
I like myself better than a stranger, so I'll probably just stick the the latter.
*

:Poetic moment:
I look into your eyes and fall into the depths of your soul. I want to drown in you.
Envelope me in all that you are and make us one.
I am drawn to you. In the most powerful way possible.
Like a magnet - I just can't resist the pull.

:Quote:
Sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is
Something you never really had; what could've
Happened didn't. It's jut they way the cookie
Crumbles. This is my goodbye to you.
I'll never forget the way you made me smile.

:Picture:

Introductions

My name is Kylie. I'm a freshman at Texas Christian University. I'm a writing major. I'm in the colorguard and I am the historian of the Gay-Straight Alliance.
I write all the time. Even if it doesn't matter. My random thoughts have to go somewhere.
I decided to make this blog as a place for my thoughts to go.
Well....I suppose that's it for now.
*