The Deepest Feelings are Shown in Silence

Feelin kinda lonely lately.
When I'm busy I don't notice how much I miss my friends. I can't wait until school starts up again so I can have them around me again. They're so awesome and make my day better without saying a word. But then the words make the day awesome. Haha.

Got the job at whataburger. Yea two paychecks. Maybe it will make a difference and I will be very happy. Maybe. The manager did seem slightly concerned about my busy schedule though. School during the day, family dollar three times a week, and then working there most nights until three in the morning.
"When will you study?"
"During the day when I have downtime."
"When will you sleep?"
"When I'm dead."
Bahaha, I really did say that. He laughed. It was great. He just told me to let him know if it was getting to be too much. It won't, because I'm up til three in the am anyway, might as well be productive and get paid for it. Right? Hahaha.

Stockboy is being...weird. Whenever we're together, it's fine. But then he gets all weird in front of other people, or on the phone, or when I'm trying to make plans to see him again.
He tells me over and over again how much he loves me, and I believe him...but I feel like he loves me at arm's length. He has told me I'm gonna meet his friends a few times now, but it always gets put off. And he won't accept my help when I offer it. He was stranded in Burleson yesterday and he wouldn't let me come get him or give him gas money.
I don't even know where he is right now.
I wish he would call me.
I hate this worrying about him nonsense.
Because if something happened to him while he was walking around Burleson, I'd feel bad for being pissed off.
However, if nothing happened to him and he made it to his friend's house just fine and then just opted not to call me like he promised he would...well, then I guess I won't feel bad for being pissed off.

Going to a concert tonight.
I'm about to eat and take a quick nap and then start getting ready. I woke up entirely too early today and it was my day off so it kind of pisses me off. My one day that I didn't have to work, and I had to be up at too early o'clock and go look presentable and be impressive and all that nonsense. Gah.
Hungry.
*

:Poetic Moment:
I don't know what I'll do
If you break me down
And tear me up
And leave the pieces to rot

:Quote:
And all I need to know
Is that I'm something
You'll be missing

:Picture:

Being a Grown Up Is Very Overrated

So, we have said that L word.
I knew that was what he was thinking.
I'm going crazy here. Mostly because of him. It's been so long since I've liked someone this much. I don't know what to do. I've become very aware of everything that I do and I wonder if he thinks I'm weird, or have strange habits, or something like that.
Gah.
And then sometimes he gets all quiet and I get all paranoid and wonder if he's rethinking this or if he's wondering if this is right. But then he looks at me the way he does. And kisses me the way he does. And just...I'm crazy about him.
That's all there is to it.

I hate being grown up.
I hate paying bills. I hate not having money.
I remember a time when the money I made from my job went to whatever I felt like buying, not bills. I miss those times. I want to be young and carefree again. And now I'm just...grown up. Lame.
I need a second job. I'm going to go apply at whataburger down the street from my house. Yea night job. I'm so excited.

I miss my friends :(
I live with Bestie and I see Stockboy pretty often. But then everyone else is far away.
Miss Giggles is in Dallas right now, or she's in Alvarado, which is inconvenient.
Gay Lover #1 and #2 are in San Antonio.
Roomie is in Houston.
Creeper is in Plano.
GAH!
Why can't school be back in yet so all my friends are in the same effing place??
*

:Poetic Moment:
I'm addicted to the way
You pull me to you
And kiss me hard
With just one look from me

:Quote:
Cause with you
I'd withstand all of hell
Just to hold your hand

:Picture:

What Makes a Guy Think Hitting on a Girl in Another Car is Cool?

So, I'm not really sure how to say this. Well, I do, but I guess it's more like I don't know if I want to admit it.
I just typed it twice and then backspaced it away.
*Sigh*
Try again.
Here goes nothing....
I think I'm falling for him.

I asked him what he was thinking the other day. He said me. I asked what about me. And he said something that he couldn't say yet. Something good, but not right now.
I think I know what he was thinking.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Sometimes you have to believe
And trust that those times,
Those "too good to be true" moments,
Could be for real.

:Quote:
I am addicted to the way I feel
When I think of you

:Picture:

I Throw My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes

Well, I've had an eventful week to say the least.

Stockboy and I have hung out a bit. There are no real words to describe it. Which means I'm full of them.
I'm not really sure what I'm doing right now. I can see how much he likes me already, and I think I'm attracted to his attraction. I like him being around, too.
He says all the right things and he does all the right things. But I'm not sure if I'm really...feeling it...or if I just wish I was.
There's nothing wrong with him, which means there's a bunch wrong with me.
But I am kinda getting the feeling that he's a little clingy. We aren't really even doing anything official and he's being a little...I dunno. Not what I'd expect after hanging out only a few times.
But he's cute.
And funny.
And he loves my smile.

And then there are those lovely middle of the night visits to the emergency room that leave you shook up and wanting to die. Or wanting to kill people. Or both.
And then there are the moments where you get the phone call to cancel it all out.
And I just want to cry all the time and I'm feeling really pathetic lately.
I'm so tired. I nearly fall asleep at work. And when I'm driving. The two worst places to fall asleep.

I need a second job. Family Dollar is cutting back my hours little by little and it just won't be ok when school starts. So I applied at Taco Bell. I can work from 10 til 3 am. Or later. Or earlier depending on my Family Dollar schedule. I hope it comes through. I really need this.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid texted me the morning of the emergency room visit. It kind of made me feel better about all the nonsense that happened. I hope she comes back to visit soon.

Got a new tattoo finally. Super pretty. I love it. I was on pain pills when I got it so it didn't hurt too bad. I want another one. I love tattoos so much.
*

:Poetic Moment:
When the whole world
Seems like it's falling apart
And you don't know
Who to hold on to
Just wrap your arms around me
And I'll keep you safe

:Quote:
It always rains the hardest
On the people who deserve the sun

:Picture:

I'm Too Young to be Feelin This Old

So, a few things going through my mind as of late.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid still makes me smile all stupid when she texts me, even though we've only talked like twice this week. But I don't think the lack of talking matters. Not really.

Stockboy and I flirt. Hmm...I'm not sure where this may go, but oh well. Harmless flirtation is harmless.

School. To go back, or to not go back.
I need to work to pay bills. I need to go to school. Hmm. I feel like I should just go to TCC for a bit. I can still be in the TCU marching band that way. But I dunno. The classes I'm taking this semester are ones that I really want to take. At least the writing class. But I will seriously think about this. Especially after I've heard that Creeper isn't coming back. *tear* one of my besties.

I'm so tired. Bleh. Family Dollar isn't open late enough for me to work only there once school starts. Especially for the two weeks of color guard and band camp before school. I need to find a job that is open later for me to work when I am actually free. Gah. I think I'll apply at QT, cuz Bestie did and they are hiring at some new store. I dunno. We'll see.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Let's dance around
And live our lives.
Let's throw our hands up
And roll the dice.
Let's be young
For one more night.

:Quote:
Never say things can't get worse
Because life will prove you wrong

:Picture: