A Little Bit Scattered

I love missing people. It lets me know who is important to me.
I hate missing people. It means they aren't here. *pout*
MakesMeSmileAllStupid is home. We've talked a little since she left, but not very much. BUT I WILL NOT NOT NOT BE CLINGY. So I keep it to once a day, if I text her at all. I try to let her text me first.
Gah.

But I've been working a lot. And I'm super tired. And I think I'm just very...um...neglected? Could be the word I'm looking for.
Maybe.

Anyway, at work there is...Stock Boy. Cute Stock Boy.
Shame on me.
But it has occurred to me that I don't know how to hit on people. I haven't really had to in awhile. Usually I'm just cute and I smile and giggle and it just sort of happens. Or whatever. But, even if that was all I needed to do in this situation, there isn't exactly an opportunity to be cute when I'm lifting heavy boxes and showing off how not cute I can be. Hehe.

Gah. Neglect. That is a good word.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Say what you will
Compare it to what you want
But nothing comes close to it
Nothing is as good
As...um..."coloring" (-Sex and the City reference-)

:Quote:
Rip my jeans
Not my heart

:Picture:

Welcome Back

After that brief word from our sponsor Emotional and Insecure Girl.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid and I talked. Not so dramatic as I made it seem. I just overreact sometimes. And as always, it showed itself. But we're okay now. She came over for a bit today. She said she wished she could have stayed up here longer but she'll be back in a few weeks.
A few weeks seems like a long time but it's better than nothing.
I just need to chill out.
I've never done this just seeing someone but nothing official thing. I'm totally cool with it, but I'm just not used to it.
I'm definitely not looking for a relationship any time soon. I like to do my own thing, but I also like to have someone around every now and then. Emphasis on the every now and then.

Today is my day off. I made some koolaide. Now I'm sitting here. Bestie works until eleven ish. I might clean. Or I'll read or work on my book.
Or I might just sit here.
*

:Poetic Moment:
For a second, I lost myself.
For a minute, I was gone.
For a while, I didn't know.
But then you.
And then I figured it out.

:Quote:
At the end of the day
I'm still me, and you're still you.
We're still lost, and there's still
Something missing.
But there's still tomorrow.

:Picture:

*Bang* That Was the Sound of My Hopes Committing Suicide

Here's to thinking everything was going good. Of course I had to actually like her and of course it had to just screw everything up. Of course. I'm stupid. *Sigh* I wasn't expecting anything. I really wasn't. I've learned that getting my hopes up just makes everything go in the opposite direction. So I was trying to just go with the flow and let what was supposed to happen, happen...but oh well.
MakesMeSmileAllStupid is going home on Tuesday. Home is three hours away. So, I wanted to hang out with her when I could before she left. And of course, it came across as clingy. I hate being clingy, but that's just what happened. And now everything is ruined.
I'm stupid.
Why do I always have to screw everything up.
And I was actually happy too...
I should have known that something bad had to happen. Everything was going so good. Nothing in my life can ever be this good...something had to go wrong.
*Sigh*
Oh well. This makes a few things not so complicated though...I guess. Even though I would never pick the easy way out just to avoid complications...oh well.
Gah.
That's all.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Let it all
Come crashing down.
Let the sky fall
And let me forget.


:Quote:
I'm half alive, but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it will all be alright
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight

:Picture:

First Day of Work Blues

Insert incoherent mumbling here. That's how I feel. Bleh

Work from eleven to ten. Yay. My feet hurt.
Crouching. Reaching over my head. My shoulder and knees hurt.
Having an old lady follow me around and correct everything I did. My pride hurts.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid came over for a little bit after I [finally] got home. She gave me a big hug and let me rant. Made me feel better. But she had to leave too soon. *sigh* I don't want her to go back home. I'm selfish.

No work tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure I'll work everyday this week. Bleh. That's what full time means. I forget that sometimes. But I'll get used to the standing all day thing soon, hopefully. I was just not expecting eleven hours of standing right off the bat. Oh well.

Sleepy. But I'm stealing internets so I'm trying to take advantage of it in case it never appears again.
*

:Poetic Moment:
I hope for patience
I wish for understanding
I pray that I will not stab you for being so fucking stupid

:Quote:
Living is entirely
Too time consuming

:Picture:

My Cheesiness Is Escaping Through My Face

Friday June 18, 2010

(Due to lack of internet, my blog was typed on regular 'puter and is now being put on here)

I got called about a job finally. Finally. Job interview at Family Dollar. Only issue (that hopefully won’t actually be an issue) is that it’s the one in Alvarado and I just moved to Fort Worth. Gah. Oh well. A job is a job at this point.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid came over again on Wednesday. She said she’d been thinking about me all day. *Insert stupid girly blush smile thing.* I was thinking about her too. I still owe her dinner cuz Bestie ended up cooking again.
Who’s in charge? And who makes the rules?
I say me. She says her. I say her.
No shirt.
Carpet burn.
Watch the movie. Don’t watch the movie.
Hands in her hair. Marks
Should stop. Can’t stop.
Don’t go.
Distracting.
Hands.
Thinking of next time.
Smiles. Teasing. Hot.
Don’t go.
Don’t go.

Thursday morning I get a phone call to come in for a follow up interview. And then….I GOT THE JOB!!
She came over again when I got back home. Bestie and Mr. Whatever went and bought some paint to make Bestie’s room blue. MakesMeSmileAllStuipd and I didn’t help, even though I was originally going to. We talked a lot, and it made me feel good. It had come to the time that we had to talk about what was actually going on…seeing as how her ex called while she was here and I felt real awkward when she felt she needed to leave the room to talk to her…
Serious talk is serious.
But we like where this is going.
I’m definitely not a rebound.
She’s wanted to kiss me for a long time.
:))))))))))))))
She stayed the night.
I missed her today. I love it when I miss people.
I’ll miss her tomorrow too. I have to work all day and she might have plans tomorrow night.
Not ready for her to go back home.

Other ponderings now.

I’ve noticed that the only people that really notice my scars are people that have some just like mine.
Unexplainable.
And then there are people that completely overlook them even though they’re hand is right where a nice little clump is. Are they just not looking, or do they just not notice because they’ve never needed to hide or explain away?
Sometimes I just stare at my scars. I’m not really sure why I feel the need to do this, I just do. Sometimes I trace them with my finger. Sometimes I think about why they’re there.
But I don’t ever have a moment of, “Why did I do that? I was so stupid. I wish I could go back.” Etc. I don’t regret what I’ve done. If I hadn’t lived the way I have, I wouldn’t be me. And I’m happy with me. Even though I do sometimes stutter out stupid reasons when someone does notice.

I’m really happy living here with Bestie. I had that realization this morning. Even though I knew this would be good, and I’ve been happy, I just had this sudden realization that I really like it here. It’s nice and there’s plenty of space. And I felt at home after about two days. Very comfortable. Especially now that I have a job and everything is going to be okay for sure.
*

:Poetic Moment:
We can’t help the accidents
We can’t stop the unknown
But we can take a second and breath
We can embrace each moment
And just live

:Quote:
And to spend my nights with you
Is all I could ever want

:Picture:

On A Lighter Note

Moved into the apartment. Sorta. Got some stuff still at home, but it will get there eventually. Now we need to decorate, the walls look extremely bare.
I'm relaxing a little about the money thing. It will all be ok. I have to have a positive attitude.

Anyway, so MakesMeSmileAllStupid came to visit the apartment yesterday. Bestie made awesome dinner for us and MommyM and her baby. Hung out and watched a movie. Around 12:30 MakesMeSmileAllStuipd decided to leave and I walked her out to her truck.
Tap out.
I owe her dinner.
She won. But I make the rules.
3am.
I need some more concealer.

Home to watch my nephew tomorrow since no one else can for some reason. At least they're paying me since I had to drive all the way home. Oh well, there's internet here, so I guess I can't complain TOO much.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid is coming to dinner tomorrow night.
:)))))))
That's my stupid smile.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Sappy is boring
Skip the talk
Just shut up
And kiss me

:Quote:
At the foot of the stairs
With my fingers in your hair
Baby this is it

:Picture:

Lost, Broke, and a Few Other Things that Mean I'm Trash

I don't know what I'm doing. I want to move out. Technically, I am moving out in about ten hours. However, I'm  completely broke. I don't know what to do. I've applied to any job I can think of that doesn't involve me driving all over the place. But there's only so much I can do. Applications, e-mails, and phone calls only get me so far. I need to have at least $400 in three weeks for first months rent. And that's at least. That covers the rent and water. I don't know what electricity will be like, but that's about another hundred, I'm sure. And gas. And internet. And groceries. Fuck. My. Life.
Today I asked my mom for some money and she said she's broke until Friday. That's normal. But then she said "I'm still trying to figure out a way for you to go back to school." What does that mean? That if we don't find a way to get out of debt soon I have to drop out? I feel like shit. This is all my fault. I'm the reason my family is behind on EVERYTHING. I'm such a fucking screw up. Why didn't I just go to UTA? English major. What the fuck ever. But no, I had to go to TCU and waste every dime my parents have. Stupid stupid me.
I need  about ten bucks for gas tomorrow and I'm afraid I'm going to break down when I ask my mom for it. But how else am I supposed to move? I really want to wait to move, but we already paid to hold the apartment and we told them we would move in this Thursday. Bestie doesn't want to wait, and I understand. She wants to get out of her house. I want to get out of my house too, but I just don't know if I can.
I'm scared I'm going to ruin my life over this. Ruin everyone's life.
I just hate myself.
*

:Poetic Moment:
When all the world is on your side
When the day finally seems to be looking up
When maybe, just maybe, there's hope.
Something fucks it up.

:Quote:
And suddenly
There's a light at the end of the tunnel
When you were getting
Pretty sick of the dark

:Picture:

My Chick Bad

What a weekend.
Arguing with my ex. Threatening to beat his ass and never talk to him again because he's ridiculous. He apologizes immediately. Jeeze.
Anime Convention. Not as fun as I'm used to, but still managed to have a good time. Bestie and Mr. Whatever were there and we hung out.
Awkward elevator situations and discovering the creepy 38th floor. Getting dragged to a party and then escaping before bad things happened.
Driving to Fort Worth at one am.
Chillin at the tattoo shop. Drinking. Games on an iphone. Giggling. "Rain". Passing out. Waking up at 2 when the other guy comes back to open the shop for the day.
Water out my nose. Ew.
Sittin.
Getting approved for the apartment!!!
Planning the move out now.
Good weekend over all.
I'm sore. Don't really know why.
Tired.
*

:Poetic Moment:
And for once
Things are looking up
For the first time
It might be good

:Quote:
There's always a wild side
To every innocent face

:Picture:

Fuck You. Please Die.

GAHHH!!!!
I need to get out of here. I am going to get an apartment with my bestie, and it can't happen soon enough. Every time I talk to my sister, I just want to punch her in the face. She's so fuckin stupid and all she does is complain and bug my mom for money. She doesn't think it's fair that I can do what I want. I'm an adult. She's sixteen. I didn't do whatever I wanted when I was sixteen. She drives my mom's car everywhere and then complains when my mom actually wants to drive it because "maybe I have plans." And I'm not allowed to take my truck anywhere because my tags are out, so when I tell her I need the car, she gets pissy at me. For example; she told me she was done with school at ten on Tuesday. I said ok, I need the car so will you come straight home. "Maybe I have plans." I told her that it doesn't change me needing the car so she can either wait or I can drive her to school and her plans can include a ride home. Today she tells me that she doesn't get out at ten tomorrow. So, I cannot go out to plato's closet and sell my clothes and maybe have money to help get the apartment stuff going. Or help with the a-kon hotel. Or have food at a-kon at all. But that's cool. Because she "has plans."
I just want to beat the shit out of her so she'll realize that's she's not hot shit.
I'm so fuckin tired of being around her because she just pisses me off constantly. I can't wait til I can move out.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Pretty much fed up
Pretty much done
Pretty much one more word away
From making you not so pretty

:Quote:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have five fingers
The middle one's for you

:Picture: