Sometimes I don't have anything to say

Sometimes I just don't want to say it out loud

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Where Has it All Gone?

Well, November flew by without an update.
So, here's one that will hopefully make up for it.

Ever since Family Dollar started carrying Christmas decorations, I wanted to decorate the apartment. So, we now have stockings. One for Bestie, one for SuperLoverBoy, one for me, and one for Special Kitty. And then we acquired lights for the balcony, a wreath for the door, and a tree with ornaments and garland. Pretty pretty. I love Christmas decorations. We also have a little village on top of our TV. Exciting.

TCU went undefeated, 12-0 and we are going to the Rose Bowl!!! So excited. The hotel for the band is in downtown LA. And it's only a 30 minute drive from Kat Von D's Tattoo studio. That's right. Be jealous. I'm so excited. I've never been to California. I think it will be so cool. I might see famous people. Haha. And our hotel is attached to a mall. No walking a mile to eat like we did last year. Rooming with Gay Lovers #1 and #2 and my Daughter. Super fun.

Oh, and by the way, SuperLoverBoy and I are now engaged :)))))))
That's another reason he needed a better name than just Stockboy.
And we're going to get married January 7, 2012. I'm so happy. Loving life. Loving him. And yea :))) Just big smiles all the time. It makes problems seem less important.

The semester is almost over. It feels like it went by super fast or something. It's fine though. The classes I took were so grueling. I can't wait to be done with them. I need some better classes to make me love school again. At least one good writing class will do the trick I think. If only I could register...but my financial hold is still in place so whatever. Trying to get that taken care of, but it's hard going.

I'm hungry, but my tummy has also been hurting a lot lately. Gah.
Happy days :)) I just want to start planning and being all girly and try on dresses and blah blah etc. etc. Hehe. <3
*

:Poetic Moment:
And I know it's right
And I know it's true
Because I still get butterflies
When I look at you
<3

:Quote:
Love doesn't make
The world go round.
Love is what makes
The ride worthwhile.

:Picture:

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I'll Be Next to you and You'll Be Right there Next to Me

So, in an attempt to not have only one post in October...here we go.
My cat just farted on me.

Sometimes I feel like things are looking up. For the most part everything is ok, but I keep hitting these giant bumps in the road that are driving me crazy. But I have amazing friends and an awesome boyfriend and a roof over my head so maybe I should just stop complaining all the time. I came to the conclusion the other day that I am sending way too much negative energy out into the universe, and that could possibly be my problem.
I will work on this.

Halloween is my favorite holiday ever. I love dressing up, especially with a bunch of people who also love to dress up. Last night was the annual drumline Halloween party. Stockboy (who probably needs a new name for a few reasons) and I were Peter Pan and Tinker bell, the dark versions. Gay lover #1 and her boy were Buddy Zombie and Mary Tyler Gore. Super amazing. And Gay Lover #2 and two of our friends were the powerpuff girls. Super cute. The party was pretty fun. It was cold outside though, and that's not very good when you're wearing a tiny dress.

I'm hungry.

Bestie is going to have a baby. I'm kind of excited for her, because I know she will be a great mommy. I'm not completely sure how she feels about it yet, because baby daddy isn't completely on board, but I told her I'd be her baby daddy. And she still has a while to completely be happy about it.

Stockboy <3 <3 <3
So, a new name for him because
1. He isn't a stock boy anymore.
2. He is way too important to have a name like that.
3. He is definitely something different to me than just a stock boy.
So...Lover? Love? My love? SuperLoverBoy. Indeed.

So SuperLoverBoy and I are amazing :))))
Reasons I cannot quite disclose yet. Super top secret until a date in the future when they will be shouted to the world.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Wipe my tears
and hold me tight
There's nothing more I want
Than to be with you tonight

:Quote:
You're wondering if I want you to
I want you to
I swear it's true
Without you
My heart is blue.
GO!

:Picture:

Friday, October 1, 2010

Home is Where the Heart is

In my fiction class, my teacher was talking about origins and people writing about where they're from. Then she asked everyone in the class where the consider themselves to be from. Some said Texas. Some said specific cities like Dallas or Houston. Others were from other states like California or Kansas. Well...I didn't really feel like I had an answer. I lived in Utah for ten years, and now I live in Texas. I spent eight years in Alvarado for school, and now I'm in Fort Worth for school. But I don't necessarily consider any of those places to be "where I'm from." So where am I from?
I'm from my mom's house, wherever that may be at the time. I've lived in three different places with my mom. The brown duplex I remember even though I was only two. That house with the maple tree on Chatterleigh road.  And now in the homesteads. I'm from my family and where I feel comfortable. Whether that be some random place with friends, the apartment with Bestie, or chillin in Gay Lover #1's room. I'm from wherever I'm talking about when I say "I want to go home."

I'm kind of hating my life right now. Everything keeps going wrong and my stuff keeps turning up missing. This time it's my house keys. What. The. Fuck. Who steals house keys and leaves the truck keys? Especially when they don't where the fuck I live and my truck is in the goddamn parking lot. Then I realize that Crazy Lady had some of my shit before she moved out and now I'll probably never see it again. I feel like there's no point anymore. All I do is wake up and do the same shit I did the day before and it never adds up to anything.
I'm a mouse in a maze looking for the cheese, but the scientists forgot to put it at the finish line.

And I don't know what I keep doing wrong. I feel like such a fuck up and I can't ever do anything right. Not even with Stockboy. Like right now...I have no idea what I did wrong...but I feel like everything is messed up. And I just want to know what's going through his head, but if I ask, he says nothing and he says he's fine..But I don't know. Because he's being...different. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like everything is just off and the only answer is for me to jump off a bridge.
*

:Poetic Moment:
What a world we live in
Where everything gets handed to those
Who don't deserve it

:Quote:
Click your heels together three times
And go fuck yourself

:Picture:

Friday, September 10, 2010

She's Got the Whataburger Blues

I'm not sure how I've been feeling lately. I know I'm a little stressed and I get irritated and angry really easily lately, but that's not what I'm talking about.
Crazy Lady moved in with us and now so is Stockboy. Rent will be split four ways and in a few weeks I can quit Whataburger. This isn't the main issue either. Crazy Lady is fine and obviously I like Stockboy, but I feel like this has thrown everything off. I never see Bestie now. I didn't see her all the time before, but at least we could sit around together occasionally. They either go out a bunch or they're shut up in Bestie's room and I feel like I can't go in there without suddenly being pressured to do some kind of drug. I have nothing against anyone who does drugs, but I feel like I should be allowed to say no in my own house.
I just think it's crazy that the first time I've felt pressured to do drugs is by an adult that should the one telling me not to do them. I just want to spend time with my best friend without someone saying, "come on, try it, just this once."
I miss her.
And I'm irritated because suddenly she's secretive or something. And her room is locked all the time. We share things, and suddenly I can't borrow anything or get to the things of mine she's borrowed. I don't care if she borrows my clothes, jewelry, makeup etc, but I would like to be able to get to it if I want to wear it.
I just feel like I've lost my best friend and I have no one to talk to about everything. I have some great friends at school and I have Stockboy...but I don't want to talk to them about EVERYTHING. There are some things you can only tell your best friend.

Side note.
The Princess of Family Dollar is driving everyone crazy. She's so nice and sweet, but she just doesn't work. And no one wants to yell at her. Well, she's starting to wear me down and if she does it again when I work with her next, I may just have to yell.
And Whataburger. Gah. It was going okay, but I'm starting to get really frustrated again. The people there, aside from maybe three, make me so mad and I just want to punch them. I can't wait until I can quit.

I got a new tattoo. It's badass and makes me happy.
*

:Poetic Moment:
I want to sleep
And wake up to find
A land where
Money means nothing

:Quote:
I miss you when something really good happens
Because you're the only one I want to share it with

:Picture:

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Life Sucks, Then You Die

School has started. I get to see my kick ass friends more often now.
Except, life sucks.
I haven't been able to get a loan yet, so I can't buy my textbooks so I can't do my homework.
I lost my pentagram necklace and I'm really upset about it. I never take that necklace off and then the one time I do, it disappears.
I almost lost my wallet today. I got off the shuttle (that I have to take from the commuter parking lot to where the academic buildings are and then walk five minutes to my class) and walked to class (late) and then realized I didn't have it. I flipped out and ran back to the shuttle and searched everywhere for it. Just when I was giving up and seriously crying in the middle of campus, I found it. But it just threw off my whole day.

Sigh.

Stockboy and I are good still. He just moved in with his friend Aaron in Crowley, so it's harder for me to see him, but we make it work. I was able to see him a few days a week after work at Family Dollar, but now it's not on my way anymore. Gah. But it gives me a chance to miss him more, which I do. I like missing him, it makes seeing him so much more special. It's been a month and a half now :)))

I'm sleepy.
I need to sleep more, but when I'm home, I want to hang out with Bestie cuz I miss her.
Bleh.
I want a new tattoo.
*

:Poetic Moment:
I see myself
Falling
Falling down
And will you be there
To catch me

:Quote:
It always rains hardest
On the people that deserve the sun

:Picture:

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Caution: This Entry Contains Massive Cheese

I'm happy. Things are going good. My life seems to be finding its order.
And it's scaring the shit out of me.
This doesn't happen to me. I don't get what I want. I don't get to be happy. What the fuck is going on? Is the universe actually cutting me some slack for once? Or is something going to blow up in my face at any second?
I'm trying to enjoy what I've got and just be happy, but I'm so paranoid that I'm going to lose something because it has never worked out for me like this before. I'm just waiting for something to screw up.

Work is going alright.
Family Dollar is good, I've gotten my keys and I get my raise and official Assistant Manager status next Monday.
Whataburger isn't too bad. Mary Quite Contrary is still an idiot. And she smells bad. But other than that, it's alright. They put me on drive through for a little bit tonight and I got a little overwhelmed, but I'm sure with some practice I could get it down.
We had some really idiot customers today though. At both places.
Family Dollar:
Where's the baby powder? -Customer.
Under that giant sign that says baby. -Me.
(That happens a lot, and I get more and more sarcastic each time someone asks me that)
Whatabuger:
1) I want a hamburger with cheese -Customer
So you want a whataburger with cheese -Mary
No, I want a hamburger -Customer
Uh...ok -Mary *rings up a whataburger*
2) I'd like to get that new bbq cheddar burger -customer
Ok, with everything on it? -Mary
What comes on it? -customer
Onions, pickles, and bbq sauce -Mary
Oh...bbq sauce? I don't think I want that... -Customer
 (What? It's called a bbq cheddar burger. Why wouldn't there be bbq sauce??)
And a big beetle bug fell in the fryer. It was funny.

:Warning: Here comes the cheese.

Stockboy makes me so happy.
I don't know if he realizes it. I don't know if he knows what the things he says do to me. He makes me smile all the time and I smile just thinking about him.
We talked a lot last night and I feel like...I don't know. Like my heart is going to explode or something.
That sounds retarded.
But he makes me feel so special.
On Saturday we will have been together for a month.
He's taking me to meet his mom on Sunday. I'm nervous.
I miss him when I'm not with him. I think about him constantly.
I'm ridiculous.
I'm totally in love with this kid.
*

:Poetic Moment:
I want to scream it from the rooftops
And write it on the walls
I want everyone to know
That you and me
Are in love.
Love.
<3

:Quote:
Whose eyes
Always seemed to be looking
At the most beautiful thing
In the world


:Picture:

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Would You Like to Whatasize That?

Jeeeeezzzzuuuuusssss I hate people.
So, I thought working in fast food, I would have to deal with some irritating customers, sure. That's not a big deal, you have to deal with that everywhere you work if customers are involved. However, it did not occur to me that I would have to work with such idiotic, over dramatic, holier than thou, stick up their ass people.
Mary Quite Contrary is the number one on my hit list right now.
She thinks she's a gangster or something. She's a fat white girl, I don't think so. She has two kids, from two different guys. She's worked at whataburger for about two weeks. Guess what, that's only a week longer than me. She's only worked the drive through about five times. Guess what, that's only four times more than me.
She is retarded. She won't tell me what she needs, so her customers have to wait longer on their food. She won't ask for help on her drinks, so no one is getting their drinks. She won't have her customers pull up so the line is getting really long for people to even order (which increases drive offs). And then when the manager on shift tells her to do all of these things, she gets frustrated and starts mumbling to herself and is pissy with customers. And then she starts forgetting to give people things. And they yell at me because I'm the one running the bags out to everyone. Gah.
And today she decided to act like she was better than me. She started trying to lecture me on what I was supposed to do and that I wasn't doing it right. Tellin me that if I don't do something before I leave, then she has to do it before she leaves. Guess what, if I stock something at three am, and then there are customers, it will need to be stocked again within the next three hours when she gets off at six. It's not my fault if shit happens after I leave. And that's what I told her. Same with the lobby. I can clean it before I leave, but if people come in, it might need to be cleaned again before six. And then she starts tellin me that I've been forgetting to do things. But the stuff she's telling me is stuff I didn't know I was supposed to do. Every day, before I left work, I asked the manager on duty if there was anything else I needed to do. If they tell me I'm done, then I'm done. If they don't tell me that I need to refill the cups and lids, then I'm not going to because I don't know I'm supposed to. And if I don't know I need to, and no one tells me to, and it doesn't get done, then that's not my fault and you can't bitch at me for it. And I told her that, in a somewhat nicer way. Sort of.
She's complaining to me about having to work eight hours until six in the morning. Not my fuckin problem. I work two jobs, and one of them is during the day. That's the ONLY reason I don't work all night. I worked fifteen hours the other day, and I didn't complain once. Not only did I work fifteen hours, but I did it on four hours of sleep. if I could, I would work all night, but eventually I do need to sleep.
 Then she was telling me about how each shift has different things to do and she was trying to explain to me what the other shift has to do, but I cut her off about three times telling her that this is the ONLY shift I'm going to work. I'm NEVER going to work during the day, so I don't give a shit what the daytime people have to do. And no matter how many times I said that, she was still trying to talk about that. When she finally did stop, she started mumbling to herself like it was a problem that I'll only be working at night.
She was sucking it up on drive through again tonight, but this time it was because she just kept taking orders and putting them in the computer, but wouldn't hand out food, drinks, or take anyones money. All the food and drinks were ready, but she was all backed up and the people were just staring at her while she put stuff in the computer. Gah.
The manager followed me to the back at one point and whispered, "if she keeps acting like this, I'm gonna put you on drive through." I laughed and said alright. I've only been on drive through once, and it was a really slow night, so if he thinks I'd be better at it than her with just that, then he must think she's pretty shitty.

Anyway, rant over. Until the next time I work with her.

Stock boy and I are doing pretty well. It's harder to see him now that I work more, but we manage. I stay with him every chance I get and we're going to actually go on a date tomorrow :)))
He makes me really happy, and sometimes I still think he's too good to be true...but I just have to hold on and believe that it's all real.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Keep it up
Do it again
And see how fast
I snap

:Quote:
Cause there isn't a medication
Strong enough for me

:Picture:

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Deepest Feelings are Shown in Silence

Feelin kinda lonely lately.
When I'm busy I don't notice how much I miss my friends. I can't wait until school starts up again so I can have them around me again. They're so awesome and make my day better without saying a word. But then the words make the day awesome. Haha.

Got the job at whataburger. Yea two paychecks. Maybe it will make a difference and I will be very happy. Maybe. The manager did seem slightly concerned about my busy schedule though. School during the day, family dollar three times a week, and then working there most nights until three in the morning.
"When will you study?"
"During the day when I have downtime."
"When will you sleep?"
"When I'm dead."
Bahaha, I really did say that. He laughed. It was great. He just told me to let him know if it was getting to be too much. It won't, because I'm up til three in the am anyway, might as well be productive and get paid for it. Right? Hahaha.

Stockboy is being...weird. Whenever we're together, it's fine. But then he gets all weird in front of other people, or on the phone, or when I'm trying to make plans to see him again.
He tells me over and over again how much he loves me, and I believe him...but I feel like he loves me at arm's length. He has told me I'm gonna meet his friends a few times now, but it always gets put off. And he won't accept my help when I offer it. He was stranded in Burleson yesterday and he wouldn't let me come get him or give him gas money.
I don't even know where he is right now.
I wish he would call me.
I hate this worrying about him nonsense.
Because if something happened to him while he was walking around Burleson, I'd feel bad for being pissed off.
However, if nothing happened to him and he made it to his friend's house just fine and then just opted not to call me like he promised he would...well, then I guess I won't feel bad for being pissed off.

Going to a concert tonight.
I'm about to eat and take a quick nap and then start getting ready. I woke up entirely too early today and it was my day off so it kind of pisses me off. My one day that I didn't have to work, and I had to be up at too early o'clock and go look presentable and be impressive and all that nonsense. Gah.
Hungry.
*

:Poetic Moment:
I don't know what I'll do
If you break me down
And tear me up
And leave the pieces to rot

:Quote:
And all I need to know
Is that I'm something
You'll be missing

:Picture:

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Being a Grown Up Is Very Overrated

So, we have said that L word.
I knew that was what he was thinking.
I'm going crazy here. Mostly because of him. It's been so long since I've liked someone this much. I don't know what to do. I've become very aware of everything that I do and I wonder if he thinks I'm weird, or have strange habits, or something like that.
Gah.
And then sometimes he gets all quiet and I get all paranoid and wonder if he's rethinking this or if he's wondering if this is right. But then he looks at me the way he does. And kisses me the way he does. And just...I'm crazy about him.
That's all there is to it.

I hate being grown up.
I hate paying bills. I hate not having money.
I remember a time when the money I made from my job went to whatever I felt like buying, not bills. I miss those times. I want to be young and carefree again. And now I'm just...grown up. Lame.
I need a second job. I'm going to go apply at whataburger down the street from my house. Yea night job. I'm so excited.

I miss my friends :(
I live with Bestie and I see Stockboy pretty often. But then everyone else is far away.
Miss Giggles is in Dallas right now, or she's in Alvarado, which is inconvenient.
Gay Lover #1 and #2 are in San Antonio.
Roomie is in Houston.
Creeper is in Plano.
GAH!
Why can't school be back in yet so all my friends are in the same effing place??
*

:Poetic Moment:
I'm addicted to the way
You pull me to you
And kiss me hard
With just one look from me

:Quote:
Cause with you
I'd withstand all of hell
Just to hold your hand

:Picture:

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What Makes a Guy Think Hitting on a Girl in Another Car is Cool?

So, I'm not really sure how to say this. Well, I do, but I guess it's more like I don't know if I want to admit it.
I just typed it twice and then backspaced it away.
*Sigh*
Try again.
Here goes nothing....
I think I'm falling for him.

I asked him what he was thinking the other day. He said me. I asked what about me. And he said something that he couldn't say yet. Something good, but not right now.
I think I know what he was thinking.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Sometimes you have to believe
And trust that those times,
Those "too good to be true" moments,
Could be for real.

:Quote:
I am addicted to the way I feel
When I think of you

:Picture:

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I Throw My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes

Well, I've had an eventful week to say the least.

Stockboy and I have hung out a bit. There are no real words to describe it. Which means I'm full of them.
I'm not really sure what I'm doing right now. I can see how much he likes me already, and I think I'm attracted to his attraction. I like him being around, too.
He says all the right things and he does all the right things. But I'm not sure if I'm really...feeling it...or if I just wish I was.
There's nothing wrong with him, which means there's a bunch wrong with me.
But I am kinda getting the feeling that he's a little clingy. We aren't really even doing anything official and he's being a little...I dunno. Not what I'd expect after hanging out only a few times.
But he's cute.
And funny.
And he loves my smile.

And then there are those lovely middle of the night visits to the emergency room that leave you shook up and wanting to die. Or wanting to kill people. Or both.
And then there are the moments where you get the phone call to cancel it all out.
And I just want to cry all the time and I'm feeling really pathetic lately.
I'm so tired. I nearly fall asleep at work. And when I'm driving. The two worst places to fall asleep.

I need a second job. Family Dollar is cutting back my hours little by little and it just won't be ok when school starts. So I applied at Taco Bell. I can work from 10 til 3 am. Or later. Or earlier depending on my Family Dollar schedule. I hope it comes through. I really need this.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid texted me the morning of the emergency room visit. It kind of made me feel better about all the nonsense that happened. I hope she comes back to visit soon.

Got a new tattoo finally. Super pretty. I love it. I was on pain pills when I got it so it didn't hurt too bad. I want another one. I love tattoos so much.
*

:Poetic Moment:
When the whole world
Seems like it's falling apart
And you don't know
Who to hold on to
Just wrap your arms around me
And I'll keep you safe

:Quote:
It always rains the hardest
On the people who deserve the sun

:Picture:

Friday, July 2, 2010

I'm Too Young to be Feelin This Old

So, a few things going through my mind as of late.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid still makes me smile all stupid when she texts me, even though we've only talked like twice this week. But I don't think the lack of talking matters. Not really.

Stockboy and I flirt. Hmm...I'm not sure where this may go, but oh well. Harmless flirtation is harmless.

School. To go back, or to not go back.
I need to work to pay bills. I need to go to school. Hmm. I feel like I should just go to TCC for a bit. I can still be in the TCU marching band that way. But I dunno. The classes I'm taking this semester are ones that I really want to take. At least the writing class. But I will seriously think about this. Especially after I've heard that Creeper isn't coming back. *tear* one of my besties.

I'm so tired. Bleh. Family Dollar isn't open late enough for me to work only there once school starts. Especially for the two weeks of color guard and band camp before school. I need to find a job that is open later for me to work when I am actually free. Gah. I think I'll apply at QT, cuz Bestie did and they are hiring at some new store. I dunno. We'll see.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Let's dance around
And live our lives.
Let's throw our hands up
And roll the dice.
Let's be young
For one more night.

:Quote:
Never say things can't get worse
Because life will prove you wrong

:Picture:

Friday, June 25, 2010

A Little Bit Scattered

I love missing people. It lets me know who is important to me.
I hate missing people. It means they aren't here. *pout*
MakesMeSmileAllStupid is home. We've talked a little since she left, but not very much. BUT I WILL NOT NOT NOT BE CLINGY. So I keep it to once a day, if I text her at all. I try to let her text me first.
Gah.

But I've been working a lot. And I'm super tired. And I think I'm just very...um...neglected? Could be the word I'm looking for.
Maybe.

Anyway, at work there is...Stock Boy. Cute Stock Boy.
Shame on me.
But it has occurred to me that I don't know how to hit on people. I haven't really had to in awhile. Usually I'm just cute and I smile and giggle and it just sort of happens. Or whatever. But, even if that was all I needed to do in this situation, there isn't exactly an opportunity to be cute when I'm lifting heavy boxes and showing off how not cute I can be. Hehe.

Gah. Neglect. That is a good word.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Say what you will
Compare it to what you want
But nothing comes close to it
Nothing is as good
As...um..."coloring" (-Sex and the City reference-)

:Quote:
Rip my jeans
Not my heart

:Picture:

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Welcome Back

After that brief word from our sponsor Emotional and Insecure Girl.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid and I talked. Not so dramatic as I made it seem. I just overreact sometimes. And as always, it showed itself. But we're okay now. She came over for a bit today. She said she wished she could have stayed up here longer but she'll be back in a few weeks.
A few weeks seems like a long time but it's better than nothing.
I just need to chill out.
I've never done this just seeing someone but nothing official thing. I'm totally cool with it, but I'm just not used to it.
I'm definitely not looking for a relationship any time soon. I like to do my own thing, but I also like to have someone around every now and then. Emphasis on the every now and then.

Today is my day off. I made some koolaide. Now I'm sitting here. Bestie works until eleven ish. I might clean. Or I'll read or work on my book.
Or I might just sit here.
*

:Poetic Moment:
For a second, I lost myself.
For a minute, I was gone.
For a while, I didn't know.
But then you.
And then I figured it out.

:Quote:
At the end of the day
I'm still me, and you're still you.
We're still lost, and there's still
Something missing.
But there's still tomorrow.

:Picture:

Monday, June 21, 2010

*Bang* That Was the Sound of My Hopes Committing Suicide

Here's to thinking everything was going good. Of course I had to actually like her and of course it had to just screw everything up. Of course. I'm stupid. *Sigh* I wasn't expecting anything. I really wasn't. I've learned that getting my hopes up just makes everything go in the opposite direction. So I was trying to just go with the flow and let what was supposed to happen, happen...but oh well.
MakesMeSmileAllStupid is going home on Tuesday. Home is three hours away. So, I wanted to hang out with her when I could before she left. And of course, it came across as clingy. I hate being clingy, but that's just what happened. And now everything is ruined.
I'm stupid.
Why do I always have to screw everything up.
And I was actually happy too...
I should have known that something bad had to happen. Everything was going so good. Nothing in my life can ever be this good...something had to go wrong.
*Sigh*
Oh well. This makes a few things not so complicated though...I guess. Even though I would never pick the easy way out just to avoid complications...oh well.
Gah.
That's all.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Let it all
Come crashing down.
Let the sky fall
And let me forget.


:Quote:
I'm half alive, but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it will all be alright
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight

:Picture:

Sunday, June 20, 2010

First Day of Work Blues

Insert incoherent mumbling here. That's how I feel. Bleh

Work from eleven to ten. Yay. My feet hurt.
Crouching. Reaching over my head. My shoulder and knees hurt.
Having an old lady follow me around and correct everything I did. My pride hurts.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid came over for a little bit after I [finally] got home. She gave me a big hug and let me rant. Made me feel better. But she had to leave too soon. *sigh* I don't want her to go back home. I'm selfish.

No work tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure I'll work everyday this week. Bleh. That's what full time means. I forget that sometimes. But I'll get used to the standing all day thing soon, hopefully. I was just not expecting eleven hours of standing right off the bat. Oh well.

Sleepy. But I'm stealing internets so I'm trying to take advantage of it in case it never appears again.
*

:Poetic Moment:
I hope for patience
I wish for understanding
I pray that I will not stab you for being so fucking stupid

:Quote:
Living is entirely
Too time consuming

:Picture:

My Cheesiness Is Escaping Through My Face

Friday June 18, 2010

(Due to lack of internet, my blog was typed on regular 'puter and is now being put on here)

I got called about a job finally. Finally. Job interview at Family Dollar. Only issue (that hopefully won’t actually be an issue) is that it’s the one in Alvarado and I just moved to Fort Worth. Gah. Oh well. A job is a job at this point.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid came over again on Wednesday. She said she’d been thinking about me all day. *Insert stupid girly blush smile thing.* I was thinking about her too. I still owe her dinner cuz Bestie ended up cooking again.
Who’s in charge? And who makes the rules?
I say me. She says her. I say her.
No shirt.
Carpet burn.
Watch the movie. Don’t watch the movie.
Hands in her hair. Marks
Should stop. Can’t stop.
Don’t go.
Distracting.
Hands.
Thinking of next time.
Smiles. Teasing. Hot.
Don’t go.
Don’t go.

Thursday morning I get a phone call to come in for a follow up interview. And then….I GOT THE JOB!!
She came over again when I got back home. Bestie and Mr. Whatever went and bought some paint to make Bestie’s room blue. MakesMeSmileAllStuipd and I didn’t help, even though I was originally going to. We talked a lot, and it made me feel good. It had come to the time that we had to talk about what was actually going on…seeing as how her ex called while she was here and I felt real awkward when she felt she needed to leave the room to talk to her…
Serious talk is serious.
But we like where this is going.
I’m definitely not a rebound.
She’s wanted to kiss me for a long time.
:))))))))))))))
She stayed the night.
I missed her today. I love it when I miss people.
I’ll miss her tomorrow too. I have to work all day and she might have plans tomorrow night.
Not ready for her to go back home.

Other ponderings now.

I’ve noticed that the only people that really notice my scars are people that have some just like mine.
Unexplainable.
And then there are people that completely overlook them even though they’re hand is right where a nice little clump is. Are they just not looking, or do they just not notice because they’ve never needed to hide or explain away?
Sometimes I just stare at my scars. I’m not really sure why I feel the need to do this, I just do. Sometimes I trace them with my finger. Sometimes I think about why they’re there.
But I don’t ever have a moment of, “Why did I do that? I was so stupid. I wish I could go back.” Etc. I don’t regret what I’ve done. If I hadn’t lived the way I have, I wouldn’t be me. And I’m happy with me. Even though I do sometimes stutter out stupid reasons when someone does notice.

I’m really happy living here with Bestie. I had that realization this morning. Even though I knew this would be good, and I’ve been happy, I just had this sudden realization that I really like it here. It’s nice and there’s plenty of space. And I felt at home after about two days. Very comfortable. Especially now that I have a job and everything is going to be okay for sure.
*

:Poetic Moment:
We can’t help the accidents
We can’t stop the unknown
But we can take a second and breath
We can embrace each moment
And just live

:Quote:
And to spend my nights with you
Is all I could ever want

:Picture:

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

On A Lighter Note

Moved into the apartment. Sorta. Got some stuff still at home, but it will get there eventually. Now we need to decorate, the walls look extremely bare.
I'm relaxing a little about the money thing. It will all be ok. I have to have a positive attitude.

Anyway, so MakesMeSmileAllStupid came to visit the apartment yesterday. Bestie made awesome dinner for us and MommyM and her baby. Hung out and watched a movie. Around 12:30 MakesMeSmileAllStuipd decided to leave and I walked her out to her truck.
Tap out.
I owe her dinner.
She won. But I make the rules.
3am.
I need some more concealer.

Home to watch my nephew tomorrow since no one else can for some reason. At least they're paying me since I had to drive all the way home. Oh well, there's internet here, so I guess I can't complain TOO much.

MakesMeSmileAllStupid is coming to dinner tomorrow night.
:)))))))
That's my stupid smile.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Sappy is boring
Skip the talk
Just shut up
And kiss me

:Quote:
At the foot of the stairs
With my fingers in your hair
Baby this is it

:Picture:

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Lost, Broke, and a Few Other Things that Mean I'm Trash

I don't know what I'm doing. I want to move out. Technically, I am moving out in about ten hours. However, I'm  completely broke. I don't know what to do. I've applied to any job I can think of that doesn't involve me driving all over the place. But there's only so much I can do. Applications, e-mails, and phone calls only get me so far. I need to have at least $400 in three weeks for first months rent. And that's at least. That covers the rent and water. I don't know what electricity will be like, but that's about another hundred, I'm sure. And gas. And internet. And groceries. Fuck. My. Life.
Today I asked my mom for some money and she said she's broke until Friday. That's normal. But then she said "I'm still trying to figure out a way for you to go back to school." What does that mean? That if we don't find a way to get out of debt soon I have to drop out? I feel like shit. This is all my fault. I'm the reason my family is behind on EVERYTHING. I'm such a fucking screw up. Why didn't I just go to UTA? English major. What the fuck ever. But no, I had to go to TCU and waste every dime my parents have. Stupid stupid me.
I need  about ten bucks for gas tomorrow and I'm afraid I'm going to break down when I ask my mom for it. But how else am I supposed to move? I really want to wait to move, but we already paid to hold the apartment and we told them we would move in this Thursday. Bestie doesn't want to wait, and I understand. She wants to get out of her house. I want to get out of my house too, but I just don't know if I can.
I'm scared I'm going to ruin my life over this. Ruin everyone's life.
I just hate myself.
*

:Poetic Moment:
When all the world is on your side
When the day finally seems to be looking up
When maybe, just maybe, there's hope.
Something fucks it up.

:Quote:
And suddenly
There's a light at the end of the tunnel
When you were getting
Pretty sick of the dark

:Picture:

Monday, June 7, 2010

My Chick Bad

What a weekend.
Arguing with my ex. Threatening to beat his ass and never talk to him again because he's ridiculous. He apologizes immediately. Jeeze.
Anime Convention. Not as fun as I'm used to, but still managed to have a good time. Bestie and Mr. Whatever were there and we hung out.
Awkward elevator situations and discovering the creepy 38th floor. Getting dragged to a party and then escaping before bad things happened.
Driving to Fort Worth at one am.
Chillin at the tattoo shop. Drinking. Games on an iphone. Giggling. "Rain". Passing out. Waking up at 2 when the other guy comes back to open the shop for the day.
Water out my nose. Ew.
Sittin.
Getting approved for the apartment!!!
Planning the move out now.
Good weekend over all.
I'm sore. Don't really know why.
Tired.
*

:Poetic Moment:
And for once
Things are looking up
For the first time
It might be good

:Quote:
There's always a wild side
To every innocent face

:Picture:

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Fuck You. Please Die.

GAHHH!!!!
I need to get out of here. I am going to get an apartment with my bestie, and it can't happen soon enough. Every time I talk to my sister, I just want to punch her in the face. She's so fuckin stupid and all she does is complain and bug my mom for money. She doesn't think it's fair that I can do what I want. I'm an adult. She's sixteen. I didn't do whatever I wanted when I was sixteen. She drives my mom's car everywhere and then complains when my mom actually wants to drive it because "maybe I have plans." And I'm not allowed to take my truck anywhere because my tags are out, so when I tell her I need the car, she gets pissy at me. For example; she told me she was done with school at ten on Tuesday. I said ok, I need the car so will you come straight home. "Maybe I have plans." I told her that it doesn't change me needing the car so she can either wait or I can drive her to school and her plans can include a ride home. Today she tells me that she doesn't get out at ten tomorrow. So, I cannot go out to plato's closet and sell my clothes and maybe have money to help get the apartment stuff going. Or help with the a-kon hotel. Or have food at a-kon at all. But that's cool. Because she "has plans."
I just want to beat the shit out of her so she'll realize that's she's not hot shit.
I'm so fuckin tired of being around her because she just pisses me off constantly. I can't wait til I can move out.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Pretty much fed up
Pretty much done
Pretty much one more word away
From making you not so pretty

:Quote:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have five fingers
The middle one's for you

:Picture:

Friday, May 28, 2010

Tears

There are a few very good reasons I broke up with my ex. He always made me cry. He always made me feel bad. I always did something wrong. I always didn't see his point. I was always the bad guy. And he always put words in my mouth. And you know what? He's still doing it. I can't stand it. Yesterday when I asked him to go with me to Arlington, it was fine, but we didn't get to go because I didn't get the car until too late. But he managed to get work done at home in the meantime. Today, I go somewhere with my bestie instead and it's the end of the world because I didn't tell him I wasn't going with him. And of course I don't care that my actions affected his life and of course I just don't ever care that I messed up his day or that he didn't know what was going on. Of course. Gah! He shouldn't be able to make me cry anymore. I fucking hate this! He doesn't have a right to give me guilt trips or make me feel like shit or make me cry. It's not his place anymore. And how many times do I have to say sorry for it get through? It's not like I can turn back time and change my day. And I wouldn't anyway. I had a good day. I actually had fun for the first time this summer. And now he's making me feel bad about it. Fucking bull shit.
I'm so pissed off right now that I don't know if the tears are from that or from him now. I just want to punch something, but it's four in the morning and there's nothing to punch that won't make too much noise.
I'm so tired. Tired and upset don't mix well.
I guess my rant is done.
*

No
No
and No

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My Bestie is So cool...she lets me eat her food

So....I'm getting super bored of my house. And there isn't anything to do, so there isn't anything to talk about.
However, I have been hanging out with my bestie a lot, which makes me happy. We went out one night with our other partner in crime, Crazy Lady. Got my nose pierced, both sides. Fun stuff. Now I want a new tattoo. Pronto.
I'm sitting at my Bestie and Crazy Lady's house right now. I want to steal her cereal. Hmph.
She just looks at me, and keeps eating. Bah.
She keeps farting on me. Nasty bad egg farts. *pinches nose*
She's also reading over my shoulder, haha.

So, my sister is still being super teenage angsty. She's gotten back in the habit of stomping off and slamming doors. It's getting ridiculous

I've been trying to keep busy so I'm illustrating my princess story. I'm thinking about posting it on my other blog. The one I made for creative writing. Maybe.
*

:Poetic Moment:
Keep your promises
Keep your sweet nothings
I don't accept bullshit

:Quote:
In case you were wondering
You're like a sunset to me
You're all kinds of beautiful
As you end my day

:Picture:

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Fear

So, laying awake at night when I can't get to sleep (which is every night, in case you were wondering) my mind wanders and I begin to think about really random things. Last night, I was thinking about what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of a lot, when I start to think about it.

  • The dark
  • Shadows 
  • Cars
  • Small spaces
  • Being underground/underwater 
  • Tornadoes 
  • Semis
Besides those, I seem to be suffering from What If Syndrome (as I'm going to call it, anyway). Anything that could go wrong, I think about. 
  • What if I crash into...
  • What if the roller coaster....
  • What if I fall...
  • What if this breaks...
  • What if there is someone hiding under my porch.
And much much more, depending on what situation I'm in. 
Once, when I still lived in Utah, my cousin and I were on this sky bench thing that took us across the water park we were at and I asked her "what if the cord snaps?" and she just told me to shut up. And I do stuff like that all the time. However, now I keep most of those thoughts in my head. 
Bleh. I'm just weird I guess.
*

No Poetic Moment

:Quote:
Take all the snapshots
So we can go back
And say "that was fun"

:Picture:

Friday, May 14, 2010

Another Rant and Then Some

My sister is driving me crazy. She needs to hurry up and get out of her teenage angst. Whenever I complain to my mom she tells me that I was never as bad as my sister. She is so whiny. She thinks everyone is criticizing her all the time even when they're joking. She was telling us about how some boy had called her beautiful and I jokingly said, "maybe he's gay." She got all pissed off and said, "thanks for saying I look like a guy." What? I meant because only gay guys use "beautiful" as a compliment when they're teenagers. Teenage boys' vocabulary include hot and sexy. Very rarely will you hear beautiful. Besides that, I was joking. Gah. And she's a horrible driver. She thinks she's amazing, but she insisted on driving us to pick up dinner tonight and I wanted to cover my eyes the whole time. She doesn't look when she turns across traffic!! 

My uncle is also driving me crazy. It seems to be a very easy thing to do right now. He gave me the phone number for some lady to get a job through her, but the job is forty five minutes away. No big deal, if I already have money to get out there, but guess what. I don't. So, I said maybe I'd call her later in the summer when I've had another job and can pay for the gas. But he wants me to call her right now. And every time he sees me "you call her yet?" and I've already told him that I'm not going to. All he has to say is that he's my uncle and I should listen to him and that this could be good for me. How is being a leasing agent at an apartment complex going to be good for me? How does that help me at all besides just being a summer job? It doesn't help me any more than working at the family dollar does. A job is a job at this point. 

I need to get a job because I need to get out of this house. I'm tired of hiding in my room so I don't go crazy. Gah.

And I want some more tattoos. I've drawn up my next one, a plumeria flower on my left foot. And then my next one after that will be a tree of life on my right wrist. And I will get one more this summer (to keep at the same pace I had last year, haha) and I'm thinking I want a leg piece. Like an arm covered is a sleeve, but on my leg...or maybe I will get a sleeve...but I think they look funny on thin arms. But anyway, I think I want the seven deadly sins. But I doubt I would start that this summer. Maybe I'll get my dragon around a rose on my upper thigh. Or my phoenix on my calf. Or put the next piece onto my side. Yea...so I counted last night how many tattoos I'll have if I get all the ones I want right now...27. That's not counting the seven deadly sins because I just started thinking about that today. So that would make it 34. Wow. I guess my band director was right when he made the prediction that I would one day write my autobiography titled "Confessions of a Tattooed Lady." Haha. 
*

No Poetic Moment

:Quote:
The question isn't
Who is going to let me
It's
Who is going to stop me

:Picture:

Monday, May 10, 2010

There's No Place Like Home

So, I'm out of school for the summer, and back home. Because of this, there will probably a slight drop of blog entries. There's not really that much to talk about at home unless I rant all the time. I get annoyed when I'm at home.
At home there is:
Mom
StepDad
Sister (age 16)
Brother (age 22)
Nephew (age 2)
Uncle

Most of them annoy me.
So far:
StepDad has pretty much said that he is going to make me work for him (for no pay) because I type faster than him. And he doesn't care that I eventually will be back at school and have better things to do. This is irritating because he was the first one to tell me that I need to get a job this summer.

Sister is just annoying on a daily basis, whether I'm home or not. She thinks we're rich. It doesn't matter how much my mom talks about not being able to pay the bills in front of her. She still thinks my parents have some hidden money source that will pay for every last thing she dreams of. She thinks she has to have a new dress for band banquet. She thinks she needs to have a new car. Now. Not only a new car, but a sports car. She also thinks she is so misunderstood (but that's just the general teenage angst that she's going through right now, I hope) and should be able to drive wherever she wants because she is under the impression my brother and I were able to when we first started driving. I had a job, that's where I drove to all the time. Brother went nowhere. I don't know where she thinks we went all the time. And now today, she thinks I am obligated to give her my clothes that are name brand. She doesn't want the off brand, of course, but the second I don't want a pair of Hollister pants or Abercrombie shorts, I have to give them to her. No matter how short the shorts would be on her, she thinks she should have them and be able to wear them out of the house. She's sixteen, and she thinks she needs to dress like a hooker to get some attention. Gah.

And Uncle thinks he knows everything. Every time I get a new tattoo, he flips out because he thinks I'll never get a job. And he lectures to no end about the fact I have one on my wrist. He complains about how I dye my hair. He's awkward about me being a lesbian. He thinks my mom gives me too much freedom. And he said he would have someone call me about a job today, and they didn't call and he just avoided talking to me about it. Gah.

And that is my rant for the day. Most of my entries this summer will be like this. Ranting.

On a different note, I went to Scarborough Fair with Miss Giggles yesterday and we came across Twig the Fairy quite a few times. I'm in love with Twig the Fairy and she knows it. The last time we saw her, she stepped directly into my path to play her double flute to me. I smiled the rest of the day. It also helped that Miss Giggles and I were overly flirted with many times and it was super funny. Especially the German Brothers. Oh dear. They're so silly.
*

No Poetic Moment

:Quote:
We come into this world
And we're all the same
In that moment, there's no one to blame

:Picture:

Friday, May 7, 2010

And Yes, I Know, That Was the Equivalent of Two Steps Backwards

So I was lonely. And sad. Not a good enough excuse, I know, but still.
Miss ROTC and I have a very odd friendship. We always have. Mostly it consists of each of us complaining about our lives, her mocking me, we cuddle, and then we make out. And stuff.
So that's where I went today.

*five minutes pass where I run down to the snack machine to get chocolate and a soda*

So, there's this girl that lives down the hall from me. I have no idea what her name is, we have always just called her Creepygirl. The first time I saw her, she was in the study room just asleep across two of the chairs. Awkward. And then at one of the Breakfast for Dinner events in my hall, she was there when everyone was giving me relationship advice and she started trying to put her two cents in. But she didn't know anything of the situation so again, it was awkward. Then she started having random conversations with me in the hall and the elevator. So, yea, this could be taken as she just wants to make friends with us, but she's so...awkward. So, I'm talking about this because she showed up at the snack machine while I was getting my candy and she started talking to me as though we'd already been in the middle of a conversation. And at the first chance, I literally ran up the stairs away from her. I'm pathetic, but she's awkward and I don't want to be rude just because she's awkward.

GayLover#2 is here and has asked to be mentioned in my blog. She waved at me with her toe.

In a relationship, I want someone to make me smile all stupid. Someone that is on my mind all the time. Someone that makes me want to be a better person. I don't want to smother or be smothered. I like my space and time to do my own thing, but I also like to hang out when there's a chance. I'm not a jealous person, but I can get angry is someone oversteps themselves. I like to receive random gifts. I don't care so much about getting gifts on designated holidays. I'd rather have flowers on Wednesday than flowers on Valentines Day. I generally show my affection with random sappy texts and spontaneous kidnapping.

I would like to thank my new close friend SecretKeeper, for making me think about what I wanted in a relationship and put it into words. It has made me a little more aware of, well, everything. And she is the queen of pep talks and has made me feel better about a lot of stuff in the past few days. Especially about  myself. Now, I hope she is feeling emotions right about now, since she will read this. Haha.
*

Habits List Cont.

  • I suddenly think of five million stories to tell when I sit down to a meal with friends
No poetic moment today
:Quote:
And it's amazing 
The look in your eyes
That you could save me
But you won't even try

:Picture:

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Round and Round and Round We Go

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel stuck and surrounded by people who are moving quickly past me.

Roomie and Roomie's GF are never around anymore. They made friends with random people and are always with them. Makes me feel stupid for deciding to stay at school until Friday to spend time with them. I could go home tomorrow instead. *sigh*

I saw Miss Charming today. And I'm sad to say I know I'm being stupid. She doesn't make me smile like an idiot...so, I'm trying to force something that isn't there. It makes me consider changing her name, but she is still charming, so it will stay for now.
And this is not giving up. This is just coming to the conclusion I would have made eventually when I discovered it wasn't really what I wanted. I have been asked random questions by my lovely new friend that have made me realize this. I don't smile all stupid when her name pops up on my phone. I don't think about her all the time. I'm not nervous around her. She's my friend. That's all it will be.

I want to be trusted with secrets too. I want to be trusted by the people that I trust. But I can't force that. And it just kind of hurts I guess.

Today I'm feelin kinda low.
Hopefully Pirate dinner will cheer me up.

Miss Too-Afraid-to-Jump texted me. We talked for a minute. But I'm not letting this mean anything. Because it probably doesn't.
*

Habits list Cont.

  • I eat when I'm bored

:Poetic Moment:
I look in your eyes
And hope to see something.
That something, though, is the
One thing I know
Isn't there.

:Quote:
I think I'll go anti-love
Really, who needs it?
Butterflies in your tummy
And heart skippin beats.
That can't be safe.

:Picture:

Monday, May 3, 2010

Confessions, Trust, and New Friends

Short entry, since I posted a few hours ago.
I am very happy that I have made a new friend. And she has requested a super awesome nickname, so....hmmm....my new friend is...SecretKeeper.
I think that fits perfectly.
I trust her to keep my secrets, and so I have told them to her. And it feels good to have someone to confide in that isn't going to treat me differently.
I think that's all I really want to say right now. I have a final tomorrow that I have yet to study for.
*

No Poetic Moment, Quote, or Picture.
I'll probably update later today.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I Judge Myself Enough, I Don't Need Your Help

As much as I'd like to pretend otherwise, the past few days have been pretty crappy.

Bestie doesn't want to talk to me as much anymore...she said I was making excuses to not hang out with her when I had previous engagements and no gas to drive to her house anyway. It's not like I won't be home in a week anyway. This weekend was just busy. That's all there is to it. And it's not my fault. But she made me feel like it was.

Rainbow Lounge with everyone was fun. Roomie's GF got second place in the drag show. A lot of dancing, but it was weird being there for the first time without Miss Too-Afraid-to-Jump. Almost felt like I had no one to dance with, when I did. But whatever. I just need to stop thinking about it (no matter how hard that actually is)

Band formal with Miss Charming was fun. Got a kiss *smile blush girly feelings* And there was a party afterwards that was pretty fun. Not to mention the extra hour chillin in my truck with GayLover#1 and Creeper. So, Friday was pretty good.

Saturday during the day wasn't bad either. TBS stuff all day. Some good times and funny things happened. Like falling down during tether ball or chasing the sheep. But we didn't get back til like three in the morning. And then...
And then people came by my room and kinda forced me into hanging out with them until seven in the morning. *Sigh* Miss ROTC and Miss Too-Afraid-to-Jump...and then some guy too, but no one cares about him. It wouldn't have been too bad, but they were talking shit about some girl that is obsessed with Miss ROTC, and it made me wonder what they have said about me behind my back. And then they were rude to me, while trying to get me to not go to bed. I don't know...it just doesn't make it any easier to ignore her when we're forced into each others company. Gah. I don't want to think about her anymore. Because she's not thinking about me. I don't want to think about anything that has to do with her, but it's like I can't help it when I see her standing outside my door.

I can't wait til I get to go home and I won't have a chance of running into her for awhile.
*

No Poetic Moment Today
:Quote:
And all the drugs in the world
Can't save us from ourselves

:Picture:

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Oh, For Real?

So....bestie wanted it to be serious. So we had a serious talk. She's in love with baby daddy. We're not doing any of that triangle nonsense we tried before. We tried and failed. I don't want to step back into that deathtrap. So...now she's sad. And I'm sad because I made her sad. Gah. I don't want to fall into something that will only hurt me in the end...because I know it would. She loves him too much.

Miss Charming makes me smile. The end. *insert girly blush nonsense here*

Is it effective to kill our enemies with kindness? Hmm...it seems that my enemy and I are trying to do it, to each other. At the same time. I don't know how well it will work out in the end besides both of us being tired of being polite to each other.

And....despite Miss Charming coming into the picture, I don't know if Miss Too-scared-to-jump will get off my mind until she's really in the picture. I'm over it. I am. But I randomly catch myself thinking about her...and yea. Stupid me. I know.
*

No poetic moment today.
:Quote:
I smile when I want to cry
I laugh when I want to scream
I jump up and down when I want to give up
I act confident when I hate myself
And I tell myself that I'm okay
When I want to fall apart.

:Picture:

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Jealousy is a Disease, and I Hope you Get Well Soon

I'm jealous. And I hate it.
I wish I had what the people around me have. [Money]
I realize that I blend into the background of all the rich sorority bitches that populate this campus, but I am so far from being similar to them in any way. I may be in a sorority, but not one like theirs. I may be a bitch, but not a catty one. And I am definitely not rich.
I wish I could win the lottery. Or have some rich, old relative die and leave all their money to me (or at least my parents)
I wish I didn't have to worry about making it by. I wish I didn't have to think about how much money I don't have every time I wake up.
This is just ridiculous.
*
New topic. Sorta.
It was their idea, to invite her along to see what I'm doing. I'll go along with it, but it won't be my fault if something goes wrong. I'm in too good of a mood with Miss Charming to care what Miss Too-Scared-to-Jump thinks.
But what if she gets jealous?
I can't help but think about what's going through her head. Because she got so defensive. She put words in my mouth and said things to deliberately hurt me to push me away. She put up her walls. But, like she told me, I don't want to have to fight to get to know someone. She doesn't want to fight for me, then I won't fight for her.
Case closed.
*

:Poetic Moment:
And I don't know why,
Or maybe I do,
But every time your name
Flashes on my phone
I smile

:Quote:
I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you're going to get hungry
And eat most the words you just said.

:Picture:

Monday, April 26, 2010

Torn Between What's Right and What I Want

As obvious as it may be, the lesbian population of TCU is pretty small. Despite this fact, I have found a girl who is quite charming. I do believe if she wanted to, she could charm the pants right off of me.
I also think if my bestie hadn't been walking with us last night, there would have been a kiss. Darn.
But there's always Thursday and Friday...our next two dates.
However...here comes the problem. My lovely best friend is in love with this guy who wants to marry his baby mama (which isn't my best friend). But he told me yesterday that if I tried to be with bestie again, he wouldn't marry baby mama. At first bestie and I joked about it, but somehow I think she seriously wants to date me again. I'm not quite sure what to do. She's sleeping or I would talk to her about it right now.
I loved her two years ago when we were together. When we broke up, I thought I couldn't live without her. But now she's my bestie, and I don't think those romantic feelings are still there. And I know she's in love with baby daddy and if he doesn't marry baby mama, she will do whatever she can to get him to see that she's there for him always. Because of this, I don't want to try and bring those romantic feelings back and set myself up to get hurt when I know she will jump at the opportunity to be with him.
Gah.
Back to Miss Charming. Our first sorta date was last night, but it was GSA formal, so we didn't really get to talk much. But I walked her back to her house. Can't wait til we go dancing on Thursday. I do believe this could make me happy.
*

:Poetic Moment:
And oh how your smile makes
Me blush
My heart race
Me smile

:Quote:
[slightly depressing compared to the post, but w/e]
It doesn't matter if you have all the people in the world to talk to
You still have to find the strength to say in words
What you would normally say on your skin

:Picture:

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Lies We Love to Tell

What's worse than being used and lied to? Right now, I'm thinking nothing.
I did not give an ultimatum. I just wanted to know where things stood.
But she took it that way.
And then had to hurt me to get the point across.
If you like someone and want to kiss them etc. when you're drinking, then you like them and want to kiss them etc. when you're sober except you're too scared to do it.
What is it about alcohol that gives people courage?
And someone who can't admit they like someone and want to kiss them etc. unless they're drunk are in no place to criticize people who have walls and are afraid of sharing too much.
Because I tried. And I didn't have to be drunk to try.
But now it just doesn't matter.
I'm not going to wait around for anyone to realize they want me and have enough balls to admit it. If they can't admit it, they don't deserve my time.
I'm done trying.
*


:Quote:
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
I close my eyes and I count to ten
I hope it's over when I open them

:Picture:

Thursday, April 22, 2010

No Flaws When You're Pretending

I pretend a lot.
I guess I always have. That's why I got into theatre eventually. I knew how to turn off my thoughts and emotions and take the form of someone else. It was easy.
It's still easy, but I'm not on the stage anymore. I just turn off my emotions in front of everyone else to make things....easier? Smoother? I don't like to talk about my issues because I don't feel like they are worth much when someone else has a problem. I like to rant, sure, but I don't show it all over my face. I don't want people to ask me "how are you?" and know that I'm lying when I say "I'm fine." I'd rather them just take it and go on, since they don't really care if I'm okay or not but if I say I'm not they might feel obligated to stop and listen to me.
Not everyone needs to stop and listen to me.
Deep down, I know there's a lot about me and my life that is not "fine" and should probably be talked about, but I don't necessarily think I want to talk about it all yet. Sometimes I talk, but not everything comes out. I don't know how to tell if it is safe to bring up all my dark and scary secrets.
I wish I knew.
*

Habits list Cont.

  • I fold my French fries in half when dipping them in something


:Poetic Moment:
Just let everything go and
Push away your stress.
Absorb the peace and quiet
Of the garden - distant from the
Reality of the harsh world.
Breath in.
Breath out.

:Quote:
Scared to get attached again
Like you have this fear that
Every person you start to
Like will
Break
Your
Heart


:Picture: